Jack and Jill (2011)
Film #29: Jack and Jill (2011)
Last year, a gentleman by the name of Adam Sandler made a movie called Jack and Jill. Though Sandler gave directing duties to his longtime collaborator Dennis Dugan (who has directed Sandler films from Happy Gilmore to Just Go With It), he made sure to have his fingers in every other aspect of production: Producing (alongside two others), writing (alongside three others), and, most noticeably, starring in not one but both title characters. That’s right, Adam Sandler plays both Jack and his incredibly lewd twin sister Jill. When I first saw the trailer for this film, I thought it was a joke, like something Sandler’s character from Funny People would have made during the nadir of his career. Unfortunately for all of us, Jack and Jill is not a joke. It’s easy to tell, since the movie’s excruciatingly unfunny.
Honestly, this movie may have done some serious damage to my inner being. There’s a reason I haven’t written a review or watched a movie in nearly an entire month, and that reason is Jack and Jill. The fact that such drivel could get made, and worse, rake in nearly $150 million at the box office, really makes me weep for my favorite art form. But I suppose I’m getting ahead of myself.
Opening with footage of actual twins (you know, consisting of two different people), Jack and Jill tells the story of uptight LA advertising exec Jack and his Brooklyn-based twin sister Jill, who comes to visit him for Thanksgiving and ends up overstaying her welcome. Jack reluctantly entertains her while trying to get her to return to the East Coast, until they go to a Lakers game, and Jill wins the affection of one Alfredo Pacino, who Jack has been trying to wrangle for a Dunkin’ Donuts promotion.
Sorry, I can’t do it anymore. I was actually starting to treat Jack and Jill as though it were a real movie for a second. It’s not. It is a masturbatory mockery of a movie, nothing more than an exercise in extracting as much money from the studio as possible to spend on Sandler and friends. Notice the long list of actors who appear in nothing but other Happy Madison films – Nick Swardson, Allen Covert, Peter Dante, Jonathan Loughran; hell, at this point, I think we can even include Rob Schneider and David Spade among that (cess)pool of talent. Clearly these men were hungry and needed work, so Sandler obliged, giving them a few moments of unfunny screentime in exchange for what I’m sure was a ludicrous paycheck.
Notice also the elaborate settings that Sandler places himself in. I’m sure it was absolutely necessary for the plot to go on a giant cruise ship and to a Laker’s game. Those things couldn’t have possibly been written in to give Sandler and his cronies a paid vacation.
If you’re skeptical of my cynicism, believe me, you shouldn’t be. It’d be one thing if all these self-congratulatory story elements were part of a movie that had some thought behind it, but this was obviously written with the lowest possible effort behind it. The “humor” consists of the same old shticks that Sandler has relied on for the past 15 years – annoying baby voices, fart and poop jokes, “funny-looking” old people, broad physical gags – alongside some dead horses that Mr. Sandler must have discovered he hadn’t personally beaten, such as CGI animals and some weird out-of-place Atheism jokes.
These “jokes” are hung like shitty ornaments on the most miserably trite Christmas tree of a script that I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing actualized into film. Both of the lead characters are deplorable. Jack is selfish, mean, arrogant, and just an all-around dick. Jill manages to be worse, with her unrealistically inhibited social skills, ignorance about things as basic as using a keyboard on a computer, and obvious passive-aggression (she also has what is possibly cinema’s least-funny running joke, where she doesn’t know the name of a movie she’s thinking of even as other characters tell her the correct title).
It’s clear early on that we’re supposed to care about the “growth” of these two characters, but it’s hard when you spend the whole film wishing they’d both suffer from some tragic auto accident instead. The emotional beats in this story are so manufactured and shallow that they wouldn’t fill an ice cube tray. Hell, they don’t even bother writing words for the emotional climax between the twins, instead masking it with nonsensical “twinspeak”. Really, America? You’re gonna let that one slide? They’re not even trying!
I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to wrap this review up, because I’m starting to feel an embolism coming on.
By time it lugs its giant bag of studio money into the third act, the movie drops the facade that it’s a comedy. Jack, via some wacky outrageous hijinks, ends up dressing as Jill to go on a date with Mr. Pacino, giving us a little bit of Sandlerception. The romantic evening between the two of them is entirely devoid of humor, instead playing out as dark and weird, and not even Pacino’s oddly devoted performance can bring it anywhere near the realm of “enjoyable”.
Jack and Jill is such an awful movie that I gave up on all of cinema for a month as I tried to forget it. There’s some video out there explaining how the movie is seriously and literally a scam to launder money to Sandler and his friends, but the thing was 55 minutes long, and I just can’t bring myself to waste anymore of my time on this Earth discussing this piece of trash. Even writing this review nearly moved me to end my own life.
Ironically, I believe that the only thing I could say to Adam Sandler with regards to this movie comes from Billy Madison, a film of his that was made before his humor wells dried up and crumbled apart: Mr. Sandler, what you’ve just made … is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling, incoherent film were you even close to anything that could be considered a funny idea. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having watched it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Final rating: 0/10
–James A. Janisse
- I now have a list of celebrities that I am forever disappointed in. They include Drew Carey, Regis Philbin, Johnny Depp, and calcified at the top of that list, Mr. Alfredo James Pacino.
- I’ll admit I appreciated “wombmates”. But that’s it. I just like wordplay.
- I’ve never had to write so many words in quotes in a review before, but I just couldn’t call this movie funny or its dialogue jokes without the qualifier.
This entry was posted on April 18, 2012 by James A. Janisse. It was filed under Ratings, 0 - 0.5, Genre, Comedy and was tagged with adam sandler, johnny depp, al pacino, allen covert, peter dante, jack and jill, dennis dugan, funny people, Sandlerception, todd garner, jack giarraputo, ben zook, steve koren, robert smigel, katie holmes, dean cundey, tom costain, happy madison, Nick Swardson, Jonathan Loughran, rob schneider, david spade, norm mcdonald, lakers, drew carey, Eugenio Derbez, tim meadows, Valerie Mahaffey, Gad Elmaleh, gary valentine, regis philbin, dana carvey, Elodie Tougne, rohan chand.